Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

new shirt idea

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.