Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing