Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer