Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Interior design 👌

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

no regrets

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55