Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Worst bar ever.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.