Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
You Might Also Like
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Lmao
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
who did the taste test?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.