Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’