Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?