Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.