[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
Wow, it’s really blowie outside
Me as a weather girl
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single