@kimtopher22

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

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@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@shutupmikeginn

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@gabbazaba

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@OldSpice

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

@1MeLrO

Wow, it’s really blowie outside

Me as a weather girl

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single