Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
✌️
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The Punning Dead.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL