@DrRocktopoid

Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.

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@Ellequence

I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.

@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@elisjames

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!