@DrRocktopoid

Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

@smint

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

@iresurfaced

I only came to this school reunion because one of you’ve got my Wu Tang tape.

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.