Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine