*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
crying
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will