*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
spot the difference
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
