@TheAlexNevil

*dies
*becomes ghost
*weighs self

OH COME ON

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@AndyAsAdjective

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

@squirrel74wkgn

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

@squirrel74wkgn

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.