The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Nothing to do, you say?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
🙀🙀🙀😹
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?