Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.