Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.