Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.