Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude