Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Covert ops

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.