Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.