Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.