Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
work smarter, not harder
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath