Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

bears

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

*weighs self after shaving

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Harsh but fair

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”