Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.