Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball