Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
dutch is not a serious language
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much