Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.