Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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The Weeknd is back
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.