Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.