Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going