Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
You Might Also Like
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
bears
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Just parrot things
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
#Caturday
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If looks could kill