Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The best shot in the history of golf
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there