Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Guantanamo Bae
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping