Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Am I having a stroke?
Siri: Retweet me.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously