Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”