Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

🤣

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation