Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it