Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

I never needed anything more in my life

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked