Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.