this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.