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@KatieLaveski: Diet plan: make friends fatter
@DurtMcHurtt: When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
@AmazingPhil: My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying 'cat'
@ComedicBust: My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
@TheBoydP: “Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you