Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.