Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Mountain Goat : )
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]