Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

There is no “we” in chocolate.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight