DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.