DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
respect
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”