Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”