diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Kidney stones? Hard pass
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Check your privilege
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
😅🤣😂
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.