diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
This 4th of July, please remember…
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis