Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

he chose this

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*