Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Me too

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car