Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…