Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.