Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.