Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
You Might Also Like
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.