Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Interior design 👌
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I love wikipedia
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic