Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
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Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
black phone good
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*