DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
THIS HEADLINE
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you