Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Put this video in the Louvre

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

I didn’t come here to be called names

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.