Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.