diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅