diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Very good! 👍😂
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me: