Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
screw you
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*