Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You Might Also Like
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Boating season is upon us.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
this isn’t threatening at all
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!