diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.