Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

I mean…but I did

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day