Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
This is hilarious….
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no