Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
