Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!