DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
For anyone who needs this today
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath