Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.