Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

🙂🙃🥹

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE