Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have