Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

*praying for world peace*
God:

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.