Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*puts my mental health in rice