Dietest Coke
![]()
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
is this a warning or an offer?
![]()
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls